I have big goals I want to start working on this year. For my writing, trying to make my weight loss and my new found love of baking (from scratch!!) co-exist, making our new house more of a home but my goals mostly involve finding a more spiritual foundation as I wrote about here. As most of know, losing my brother has been very difficult for my family and I. In the aftermath, I have struggled with processing the loss. For the first year plus after he was gone, I was more concerned with how the loss was affecting those around me, particularly my mother. More recently, I have been consumed by fear. Fear of how unexpected and temporary life, fear of losing someone else I love so suddenly, fear that I won't see my children grow up, fear that something will happen to them - all of this fear sent me into a scary mix of anxiety and depression for the better part of 2011. I found the strength to admit that after reading this. I think most of my struggle stems from my lack of a solid belief system. I believe in God. I believe that life is a miracle. I believe that each morning I wake up is a gift. I just struggle understanding how death can be anything but pain. I love the people in my life... fiercely. I rely on them when my days get hard and to laugh with me when they are happy. I realize I need to have a healthy relationship with death because its inevitable. I want to walk through life conscious that each day is a gift but not consumed by the thought that it can all end.
My sole motivating force in looking for a spiritual foundation are my little munchkins. I think losing my brother was so difficult for me because I was so unprepared. Spiritually unprepared... Sure, I had been to funerals and experienced loss of older family members but I knew my brother - KNEW him... his voice, his laugh, his walk, his smell, his jokes... we were born to the same two people... we both bit our lips when we were nervous and shared the same crooked mouth and big brown eyes. My mother celebrated how close we all were and bragged about our uniqueness as a family. It sounds crazy to say that I really thought we were some sort of exception. I knew that death was a part of life but I didn't know that it could bite so hard and in my own home. Maybe deep down I expected us to go at the same time - toothless, old and sleeping under one roof.
Totally unprepared.
I want the boys to be more prepared. I want them to know that we all die. Though death will inevitably bring pain and suffering it is also what makes living so sweet... sooo very sweet... I don't think I will ever be able to promise to know what is next but I can definitively say there is certainly something more in store for our souls... a universe of such complexity, beauty, love and mystery undoubtedly holds more - far beyond what our minds can contemplate.
Anyway, I'm looking... and questioning... and thinking. I found the most amazing french cafe in my town that is all mine. Well, mine and the other 10-15 people that are usually there when I am, haha. Its hands down my favorite place in my neighborhood. They have french pastries, hot beverages and the most delicious croissants. I could literally sit in that cafe for hours. I work from home two days a week. I recently made a standing date with myself for breakfast once a week after I drop the boys off at daycare. No excuses... no standing myself up... just me, my thoughts, a book or pen and paper and a hot plate.
Pretty great, right?
2 comments:
I am with you on this. After losing my mom so suddenly to a cancer no one, including her, had known was growing for years (as many as 8 the neurologist said), I am consumed with so much fear. I look at my kids and just hope I can get them into college before I get taken out. Sometimes I wonder if I will even live for them to turn another year. It is a constant and nagging fear and I wouldn't be at all surprised if depression doesn't take a role in this.
I have been attending a motherless mom's group run by a therapist who lost her own mom when she was very young. It has helped so much to be with other women who have had a similar loss and it has been very validating to know that I am not alone and unique in my thoughts and fears and to learn how others are coping with it.
I grew up in a Jewish religious home but stopped practicing when I was out on my own. I gave lip service to it all on the high holidays and it certainly helped me meet a lot of people but, that said, I was sort of an agnostic when it came to the whole g-d stuff.
After losing my mom, I lost all faith and became an atheist. I just couldn't get past how any sort of higher power would let my mom of all people suffer like that.
I do feel spiritually bereft. I want to believe in something. I want to give my kids some sort of believe system but I am stymied.
Hopefully time will help me with that, and not in a bad way.
Thanks for the very thoughtful comment, Meredith. I can certainly identify with your journey. Sometimes I miss being able to live life without that nagging fear. I have been in individual therapy and my therapist calls it anxiety. She is a widow so she has dealt with grief. For me, it got so bad at one point I would wake up with my heart racing - that was the PTSD aspect of it. She suggests I just play it out in my mind - address my worst fears and then ask myself if there anything I can do about it. Then, I take a ton of deep breaths and just try to keep living. Thats all we can do...
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