So, yesterday, the boys and I were in the playroom when Wessie decided to snatch Isaiah's toy and make a run for it. Now, this is a common occurrence in my house. Isaiah is minding his "almost 4 year old" business, usually coloring, when Wesley gets a imp-ish look in his eyes, snatches what he is playing with and bolts in the opposite direction. Isaiah screams, snatches it back, scolds me for not stopping Wesley (I know... this kid, haha) and goes back to what he is doing. I usually tell Isaiah not to talk to Wesley (or me) like a grown-up and admonish Wesley (for what its worth). On this particular day, Isaiah said something odd. As Wesley made his way across the floor, moving his little legs as fast as he could, Isaiah snatched his toy and said:
Cue the abrupt record stop.
Sure I heard the wrong thing, I responded, "What did you say, baby?"
He said, "Wesley has bad hair."
"Why would you say that, baby?" I asked choosing my words very carefully.
He didn't respond.
"Did someone say that to you?" I probed. "Did someone say, 'Isaiah has bad hair"?
He looked at me and nodded, "R." He said. "R. said that."
Racking my brain, I remembered R., an adorable little girl of another race who he rarely talks about.
"R. is wrong!" I exclaimed. "Isaiah and Wesley have beautiful hair! I love my curly hair babies."
I ran my hands through both of their heads and tickled their tummies. "Isaiah, you are so handsome, with beautiful curly hair." I concluded. He smiled and continued to play.
I felt like crying!
Really? Already...
Okay, so I know R. is just a child and I also know she is likely echoing something her parent(s) said but I was SO mad. Why? Why now? At 3 1/2?
Hey, my son is black. God willing, he will grow to be a big strong black man. I know the inevitable hardship that comes along with that. I just thought I had some time... just a little.
I remember writing a post awhileee ago about being at the doctor's office with Isaiah next to another Mom and Baby when the Mother said something like "See, baby, there all different types of Moms and Babies." I remember 1) feeling like science experiment and 2) thinking, is this infant really wondering about that or does she just see another tiny human?
I concede. The doctor's office Mama meant no harm but I just wondered how much of our differences are real and how much we create... like maybe the baby just thought, there is a little brown tiny person and she didn't need her mom's "explanation" at all. I could be wrong.
I am pretty sure little R didn't go to school thinking Isaiah's curly hair is bad - someone had to tell her that. Someone had to make her aware of the difference and then make her feel like it was bad... like curly hair is bad and her straight hair was better.
Sigh.
When hubby got home, I went off. Something like, "We have to alert the teachers! The executive director of the daycare! The media! We have to take him out! Get him in therapy! Celebrate Kwanza this year! I have to go natural again!"
I mean... I went nuts.
He was quiet for a moment, visibly surprised but said "This could happen anywhere we put him, babe."
And he was right! I mean... really right. (It happens sometimes)
We aren't going to be able to shield him from ignorance or hurtful words or people that see him as a color before my cute baby boy. The most we can do is teach him to be strong and to prevail... remain confident and assured, in the face of anything.... even at 3.
Sigh. (again).
I don't know. I am making this up just like the rest of us.
What do you think? All of our kids are unique and different. What would you said if it was your kid? If your kid told you his/her "curly hair" or "red hair" or "freckles" or "insert unique character trait here" was bad?
6 comments:
This post brought tears to my eyes. My two boys have different hair textures. Although MY family embraces both, and would never call attention to the differences (especially not in front of them), I can't say the same about my in-laws. I hear comments made here and there (in an underhanded way, praising Bryce's hair over his brothers), and I've already warned DH that if this continues as they get older I'm going to have to address it - and it may get ugly.
Folks don't like to look at their own self-hatred, but I'm not going to stand around and let them give either of my children a complex (inferiority OR superiority) because of their ignorance. I am just waiting for the day. I don't wanna have to do it.... but i told him, if he doesn't nip it in the bud I will. They are getting older now, esp. Chase, and understanding what is said around them a lot better these days. There is enough ugliness out there in the world from strangers, and I just can't let it come from the people in his life who love him, and who he loves. I refuse to let them pass down that "good hair/bad hair" legacy/mentality to him.
Sorry for the long rant but... this post made me sad/mad. *smh*
I think you handled the situation very well. You're a wonderful mom.
I don't know what's worse. When those ignorant comments come from other ethnicities or our own people. Let's not go to the skin color issue (which REALLY hurts) or I'll have to write a book: light skin/dark skin, etc. When will it all end? It's so very devisive. Unfortunately, these issues will not be resolved in our lifetime, and we cannot protect our children from all hurts.
You handled it very well. Keep letting your beautiful boys know that they are loved from the top of their curly, little heads to the bottom of their chubby, little toes!!
Hi - first time commenter here! We are white and our next door neighbors are an interracial lesbian couple with 2 kids (via sperm donation from a black male). I grew up being uber politically correct to the point where I never even mention racial differences so I was really surprised when my then 5 year old son, who was playing with their 6 year old daughter, told her that she looked like chocolate. I was really mortified although everyone else laughed it off. I then explained that everyone's skin color and hair color and texture is different and tried to best explain this for a child so young to understand. I want to talk about it in the right way so our son learns our values. It is hard to know how to accomplish this correctly.
In a conversation with them wherein one mom talked about how she and her 7 year old daughter get their hair relaxed every 6 weeks, I asked if she had seen the doc "Good Hair" and she got mad saying that she wish Chris Rock never made that movie because now all white people seem to think she is a monster for having her 7 yo hair relaxed and it is not a big deal.
It is hard not to know when I am saying the wrong thing which is why I tend to avoid any and all racial topics when I talk to anyone.
I think you handled it well - although it could be that someone told R she had bad hair herself and she used it against your son. It might not have been a racial thing at all but of course, who knows?
It would be so great in this day and age if racism of any kind would just disappear and be part of history, like women not being able to vote.
I am not there yet but I wonder about this all the time. Both my husband and I are dark skinned so I can only imagine the issues and questions that will come as a result of the world. Recently a mom I knew went natural because her daughter asked her why her hair was kinky and mom had soft hair?! What a message that mom gave to her daughter for embracing her napturals in all it's fabulousness!!
Yakini, I totally understand! People are constantly talking about how "pretty" my children are and their soft hair texture. As a dark skinned woman, I often wonder if I have a third child and he/she is dark skin, how will he/she be treated in relation to Isaiah and Wes. It's so deep seeded sometimes I wonder if it is even worth calling attention to. Like you said its about self-hatred - its probably beyond being called out. However, its probably best you address it early while little Bryce is too young to notice... and also when you are not pushed into it by some insane ignorant comment. Ugh. In-law issues are so delicate! Don't you wish you could hand pick and interview everyone your child comes in contact with!Thanks, Robyn and Mom! Meredith, I laughed out loud about your son calling your neighbor's daughter like chocolate! I can imagine how mortified you were but it was such an innocent observation and also adorable. I think you handled it well but as long as he wasn't trying to take a bite - it was harmless :-). You are right, these issues are so delicate, it is easy to just avoid them. I would have been more than willing to talk about Good Hair with you but it sounds like your neighbor has some personal issues with it that have nothing to do with you! I am SO glad Chris Rock made that documentary. It opened up a very important discussion. Your comment made me think a little more about the situation. I don't know if R. meant it "racially" but I guess my concern was more how Isaiah would take it. I wondered if he would look around and see that he is the only curly haired boy in his class and think - "I have bad hair because its curly and not straight - like my white classmates." I guess time will tell. Thank you so much for your comments! Keep commenting. My closest white girlfriends are women who I would have no issue talking about race with - we know deep down we are women, moms, and friends but unfortunatly, sometimes you just cant ignore race!
Mrs. Pancakes, its funny, I recently started considering going natural again because I wanted to send a positive message to my boys. I always knew if I had a girl I'd want to go natural but I never considered hair issues as it related to boys. Parenting is tough!
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