Step I: Turn on the Camera

Before my brother passed, I wrote a couple of posts trying to define the purpose of this blog. At first, I wanted to just talk about Isaiah and my life as a new mom, then I wanted to document my journey to becoming a professional writer. What I am realizing is - this blog is just as unpredictable and fickle as my actual life because... well, it is my actual life. I am still writing - but I have gone back to writing for the enjoyment of my husband and interested family in what I affectionately call - my email series lol. It has recently taken on an Edgar Allen Poe vibe and I am actually pretty comfortable in that lane.

So, new adventures. As I mentioned, I bought a fancy new camera earlier this week. Aside from staring at it alot, making sure my two year old stays AWAY from it, and taking a couple of strange pictures of my feet - a view that will change a great deal in the next five and half months - I haven't really done much with it. I have been sort of nervous about getting started. Yesterday, like any good lawyer, I decided to read about the camera. Before I left for work, I grabbed the camera manual and committed myself to reading it and googling information about my camera over lunch. The goal: to make the most of my first pictures. Much to my disappointment, google results consisted of reviews and sample pictures AND even more disappointing, the manual was nothing more than an operation guide. For instance, Step One: Turn on the Camera...

WTF?!? I thought it would tell me about angling the camera and taking amazing pictures - where to shoot, when to shoot, how to shoot, who to shoot...

No such luck.

It told me what each little icon on the dial did and that's about it. The manual was less than 30 pages and when it ended it didn't offer me a good luck, or anything. I realized, that the camera, like my trusty pens and pencils, wasn't going to make me a photographer. I didn't stare at my pen and wait for it to tell me what to write. I didn't google how to work a BIC in hopes that I would find inspiration. So - what was I doing? I could pick up Gordon Parks camera and I am still going to be me taking amateur pictures with Gordon Parks camera. Anyway, on my way to pick up Isaiah from daycare, I decided to get brave, stop being a punk, find the beauty in my commute and snap some pictures at stop lights. Luckily, a very full and vivid moon decided to follow me home as the sun was setting. The moon is a big player in my house. My son loves to scream "Da moon, da moon!" every time we see it and if he doesn't see it he says, "Mommy, I don't see da moon. Mooonnn, Moooonnn, where are you moon?" Anyway, I thought what a perfect subject for my "first" pictures. If they came out bad, Isaiah would still be excited that I took pictures of his precious moon. So, aside from the odd stares I received from neighboring vehicle occupants, this is what I got:

jj

Did you get the album?

I promise this will not turn into an album review BUT, you have to pick up Corinne Bailey Rae's new one, "The Sea". It is divine. Here is a link to Ms. Rae performing my favorite single from the new album "Closer" on the Today show yesterday. Her album is so eclectic and diverse in style it almost feels like a Prince album and she is as timeless as Sade. Her voice is like sweet smoke - smooth, consuming and completely effortless. Best of all - you can pick it up at Starbucks - which will totally save you a trip to the music store (if they actually existed).

I found my camera cord!

It was lost. BUT, now I can post pictures again! Bear with me... they start on Christmas and end with our trip to the Aquarium Sunday. I also recently purchased a new camera. It is fancy but not too fancy... because I am a beginner. It's a Canon PowerShot SX20 IS. I was inspired by all the beautiful photography blogs (especially this one) and frustrated with my slooooww digital camera. I was also inspired by my big brother, Tommy. He was notorious for taking pictures of the clouds or an beautiful skyline with his cell and texting them to me. If he was still here, I'd like to think I would get him one... maybe for his birthday on April 28 when he would have been 39. I never really got him a gift, usually just a card. The gift giving was usually reserved for the little people in my family. Anyway, I think he had a skill he never got to discover. Well, don't expect much from me! But, I am gonna try. Maybe my brother will point me in the right direction. Now enjoy the pictures from my ooollldd camera...

Note to self: look less crazy next Christmas morning (Isaiah looks cute)

All those presents and it was all about the Rescue Pack (My little, Diego)

Daddy making a rare appearance in a photo.

Grandma and Isaiah doing push-ups (They are BFFs)

Cousins... Identical Cousins...

Isaiah likes to unzip his PJS (but he can't figure out how to unsnap the top button)

Off to the Aquarium

Isaiah showing off his superior fish counting skills (look how impressed the other little person is)

I'm it...

I've been tagged by one of my favorite blogger's and law school classmate, Robyn.


My task is to first attach that nifty, pretty, wall paper-like photo and then, tell you five random things about MOI. So, here it goes:

1. I am really Anti-Kindles or any reader. I went in to B&N last weekend and right in front of the store they had this huge display for a Sony Reader. I was personally offended and I expressed this indifference by indignantly scoffing at the sales lady. What is to stop all books and bookstores and libraries from becoming obsolete? It reminded me of the demise of the record store where I used to love browsing for music (before Ipods and Mp3's). I know I sound a little like an old person at the advent of the dishwasher (who can really trust those things?) but I am truly concerned about the future of the BOOK reader. Don't we spend enough time looking at screens?
2. I am in a constant search for the perfect rice pudding. I found the perfect rice pudding place (mmm, love me some Rice to Riches) when I was still in NY but I have yet to find the perfect rice pudding. I did find a recipe that came close. Check it out.
3. Speaking of food, I really need to learn how to make authentic curry chicken. Most of my friends are from the Caribbean, my mom was engaged to a Jamaican man for most of my youth and we spent some time in Jamaica when I was growing. I had my fill of good Caribbean food and now that I am not in NY the availability is pretty sparse. I have cravvvinngs for curry chicken at least once a week (even more now that I am preggers).
4. I think my kid is pretty spectacular. I am not sure if all moms feel this way but sometimes I just stare at him - like, I can't believe this awesome, adorable little person is mine. This weekend we went to the aquarium and he was so excited to be there. He said hi and bye to each fish we met, turned to every fellow little person he met just to laugh hysterically, like "Can you believe we are here?" and even screamed "yay" and clapped super hard at the dolphin show. A man at the show turned to me and said, "He is really enthusiastic." "Yeah..." I replied. "Isn't it great?" I thought. He gets me so excited to be alive even when everything else is crumbling.
5. I am a home buying commitment phobe. I am almost thirty, I am married, I have one and a half children and for the life of me - I cannot find a place that I want to but a house. I want a perfect mixture of New York (where I am from) and North Carolina (where hubby is from). Affordable homes, great schools, good size yards, safe neighborhoods, diversity, nearby beaches, gay friendly, feminist churches, eccentric artsy neighborhoods, short commutes and a coffee shop where I can sit and write within walking distance. Is that really too much to ask? I have gotten really serious about buying these past couple of weeks and then the phobic side of me trickled back in and now I am looking for town homes to rent. Such is life.

Alright, Melanie and Therese, you're it....

Sugar and Spice and All That's Nice

So, what if I do have a girl?

Girls scare me a little.

I grew up with two brothers, in a neighborhood full of boys, I was a tom boy, my first best friend was a boy and... of course, my first child was a boy.

So, what if I do have a girl?

Hmm. I picture - a little girl, with biggg afro puffs and yellow ribbons, big brown eyes like her brother, a toothless smile, spinly little legs, knobby brown knees in a grass stained dress and scuffed shoes. I picture her - chasing her brother, wrapping her Daddy around her finger, eating pistachio ice cream, snuggling with me for girl's nights and playing make believe in her pink and purple room.

I see a frog princess. A little girl who can and will be anything she wants from rolled up jeans and holey t-shirts to pink princess dresses and frilly socks. From climbing trees to drinking tea.

So, what if I do have a girl?

I think I am kind of excited.

My mom bought me these ChildCraft Encyclopedias (the 1987 edition) when I was a kid. They were full of fairy tales, nursery rhymes and poems for kids. They also had interesting facts about animals and bugs - you know, things kids would be interested in. Anyway, they had this poem by Shel Silverstein called "Sick". It was my absolute favorite poem as a little girl - I used to know it by heart. Every time I am in a bookstore I always browse through the Shel Silverstein books hoping to find it. I am pretty sure I can locate a book with it on Amazon but I kind of like the old fashioned hunt of going through a bookstore or library. Isaiah already has about three or four Shel Silverstein books. He loves "The Giving Tree." Anyway, as I was imagining my little girl today - I decided to google the poem sick. One, because it reminds me a little of work - I practice disability law BUT, more significantly, if I do have a girl, I'd imagine she'd be mouthy, like her mama, and probably like it too.


Sick by Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

Corinne Bailey Rae is back!

Happy Sunday on this three day weekend. I am currently in my kitchen making spaghetti, spinach and turkey meatballs for my beautiful family. I am not sure how much of it I will actually eat given the little person brewing inside of me BUT... I like cooking. Anyway, here I am browsing the Internet, as I often do in between timers and I came across THIS. That's right Corinne Bailey Rae, one of my favorite artists of the past decade is back! Following what seemed like a decade long hiatus, she is returning with her new album The Sea on January 26. Her absence was pretty tragic. Her husband died suddenly not long after her first album came out and understandably so - she dropped from the music scene. But, with her last album still in my CD player (and on my IPOD), I am really looking forward to seeing how she has grown and what this tragedy has done to how she views life and herself as an artist. Losing my brother has made me see the whole world differently and I don't have half the talent she has. For those of you who don't know Ms. Rae, here is my favorite from her last CD:

"You've got this look I can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is au fait,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Oh...Your love..."

Simply Beautiful stuff, folks.

Grr. Argh.

(http://constitutionclub.wordpress.com/2009/04/)

I feel a little like this today.

And, I have decided I must be having a girl after I read this. No, I haven't been hospitalized but today at work, I couldn't even hold down a breath mint. That's bad.

This baby... aye yiy yiy...

Your gonna get an earful the first time you talk back, young lady.

"This above all: to thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare, Hamlet: Act I, Scene III

I realize, aside from my recent Weird Al Yankovich moment, I haven't written anything significant on this blog since 2009. It isn't for lack of inspiration. I think I have been lost in my own thoughts recently and I have had plenty of time to do so. Aside from nursing Isaiah back from a bad asthma attack last week, I have been in the deep throws of my first trimester of pregnancy.
UGH.

I have been non-stop nauseous, emotional, tired and... well, grumpy for the past week. I spent most of this weekend in bed watching Felicity episodes. I impulsively purchased the entire show on DVD before Christmas. I was having a nostalgic moment, remembering sitting in my dorm room hanging on every word with my friends - if you were a Felicity fan you remember the angst, the bad haircut, the Ben or Noel dilemma (I was Team Noel). Anyway, I made it to the middle of Season 3 by the end of the weekend. Occasionally, the spouse would come in, forcing me to eat and take vitamins and Isaiah would come in - say "Hi Mommy!" pretend to want to kiss and hug but really climb up on bed and jump on it in an effort to reach the ceiling fan before he was carted off by Daddy. At some point between napping and watching Felicity, it occurred to me just how much my life had changed from when I first watched these episodes. Right now, I am 28, married, mom to 1 and a half children, a lawyer, struggling writer and mourning the loss of my brother. Sometimes my life feels like it isn't my own - like its someone else and I am just watching.

Back then... well, geez, who was I then? I was half kid, half adult, feeling the exhilarating independence of college, feeling young and beautiful, madly in love with the idea of love, dating, partying, studying and a true believer that my future was endless and limitless. I was happy, immortal and down right arrogant. Now, here I am with some serious deep battle scars later and I wonder am I really that different? Some things about me I know have not changed - my sense of humor. My sense of humor hasn't really grown up... what I chose to say out loud has. For instance, I was watching the episode of Ni Hao Kai Lan with my son where Kai Lan's friend "Ho Ho" is very excited about getting a "Magic Stick". I just remember thinking - maybe I am not mature enough to be a parent... Or this morning, when my earring fell out and got lost in the deep abyss of my car - instead of taking off the other earring, I channelled my inner prince and sung a little bit of Sex Shooter in the car - reminded of the often one earring Apollonia in Purple Rain.

I am weird.
That never really changed.

I gloat when I beat my husband in Uno (4 out of 5 times last night!), blast ignorant music when my son isn't in the car, inevitably do the running man when old school hip hop is playing, find it hysterical to tackle my husband for the remote, get baby butterflies when I see LL Cool J without his shirt on, become super introspective and girly when I listen indie music and I get REALLY excited when something good happens in the my life or those of the people I love. My weirdness has completely manifested itself in my strange toddler who loves to lift his shirt and pretend he is a puppy so I can rub his tummy, tell me (yeah, ME) to stop being rude when I turn the station on his favorite cartoon, do the Isaiah dance to pretty much any Black Eyed Pea song, and read his favorite stories or sing his favorite songs in fast and slow motion.

Of course, in those ten years A.F. (After Felicity), I have grabbed a whole new set of traits and tastes but I guess my core has stayed the same. Don't get me wrong - life does its best to change you. Lets face it, often times it does. Personally, I know one thing about myself ten years ago - I was super naive, very sensitive and very free with my friendship, love and commitment. I wanted to believe in the good in every person and often let people stay in my life long after they had overstayed their welcome. I was a people pleaser and I still am - to a point, then I remember, I am not responsible for anyones happiness except mine and my babies. Also, from 2007 when I almost lost Isaiah, to 2009 when I lost my brother, to this year, when I found out a close family member has terminal Cancer, I have learned more than my share about mortality and the fleeting, ephemeral nature of life. Sometimes I want to lock myself in a room and SCREAM at the top of my lungs just to get this inarticuable, gut wrenching pain over losing my brother and the unfairness of having to say another goodbye out. I never felt that way ten years ago - when I was worried about falling in love, getting into law school or my parent's ability to see me as a grown-up. Life hadn't hit me yet. I think these tough realizations have made me have little patience for those people and things that distract me from the gift that is my life and those that I love.

Clearly, these are the nostalgic ramblings of a almost bitter pregnant lady who has gone through some tough times. I just thought I would pause to look back at old Tiara to see if she is still here. She is. Just a little wiser. Have you checked on your old self recently?

There was a young lady...

There was a young lady who worked in a cube,

She had so many co-workers, she didn't know what to do.

They had tea and donuts in the morning and lunches made with fresh bread.

Though their souls may be starving, their wallets are well-fed.

~tiara