Be optimistic...
Don't you be a grumpy...
When the road gets bumpy
Just smile (smile)
Smile and be happy...
Another one of my co-workers had been through it recently as well. He had gotten stricken with swine flu and been in two accidents within the six months he had been working at the job - one of which left a very noticeable scare down the middle of his face. We were telling our stories... of death and disfigurement... with inappropriate laughter when one of my co-workers said "That’s why I am sitting over here... I don't want to get too close to you two." We all laughed but I wondered...
Was my sudden bout of sour life something you could catch?
Did I somehow bring the negativity on myself?
Was there an invisible dark cloud looming over my head that I just couldn't out run?
I literally went from being that person who had never experienced the death of someone I love to watching two people I love die within six months. I went from feeling the immortality of my twenties, optimism of being in love, exhilaration over my son... to being that person that mulls over the reality that it could all be ripped away within hours... minutes... seconds.
The morning my brother left us, I went to work like any other day. I was excited because it was the heart of the swine flu scare and I had gotten Isaiah his vaccine the day before. He ate a bunch of Oreos while we waited on line at the vaccination clinic and had a small tummy ache... but he was safe.
Everyone was safe.
Life would continue to go along as planned.
I made plans to buy plants and candy for my desk on lunch. Even after my mother called from New York and said my brother went to the hospital - I went to get my plants. I thought - this is what happens when you get run down, he is such a workaholic... I will call him on his cell phone in a few hours to make sure he is okay and go visit him... at his apartment... this weekend. A few hours later, I was on a train headed to New York because his organs were failing and he was on a ventilator... and my brother died before I got to sleep on a Wednesday. I watched the doctors attempt to save him and I was quiet... with tears in my eyes. I could hear my mother screaming behind me... I could feel my dad tugging at my arm warning me not to watch... I remember saying meekly, "Hold on, Tommy..." and that’s all I could muster. He died... and a piece of all of us died with him. That following Monday, we were at his funeral. How is that even possible?
I believe in God.
That’s one of the rules right? Of being favored.
You are supposed to believe in God... you are supposed to treat people right... you put positivity in the world and refrain from negativity.
You remain faithful.
You try not to lie... cheat... steal.
You remain compassionate, practice empathy... you treat others how you want to be treated.
You appreciate your blessings... you practice gratitude (that's either a God rule or an Oprah one...)
I think I am good person.
I think my family is full of good people...
Why us?
I look up and I can't visibly see the rain clouds though the sun shines dimmer... is that global warming or just me?
Now, my religious history is such that I was baptized a Lutheran, raised Catholic (with close to 12 years of Catholic School under my belt), considered converting to Islam in college, became somewhat of a Zen Buddhist in law school and now I just believe in a higher power and try to be a good person...
I am no authority.
BUT... I remember a common theme in all of these belief systems... have faith in God and you will be abundantly blessed... charmed even. There is even an obnoxious song by Mary Mary that plays ad nauseum on urban radio about this very thing.
What does it mean when things go bad?
Did I accidently hold the door for Devil at Target?
Was it living with my husband before we got married?
Was it the piercings.. tattoo?
Was it that time I gave a man the double finger in my rearview mirror for tailgating in the middle lane?
... Or did I simply catch it? Like a virus... it will run its course... slap my family and I around for a bit and then die out... taking a few people with it.
What does it all mean?
What is the lesson?
Maybe I was just supposed to toughen up. I have always been a bit of a softy.
Clearly, I am having some sort of crisis...
...or maybe it’s just life.
Maybe the bad stuff is just a part of the journey.
Or maybe I need to invest in a sage stick...
8 comments:
Tiara, I think we've all been led astray by people who tell us that if we believe in G-d and do everything right, only good things will come our way. It simply isn't true. Bad things happen to everyone, in every family. (I lost my grandma and and uncle within the space of two weeks back in January.) Believing in G-d isn't any kind of insurance against the bad stuff. But your faith really does help to deal with the bad things when they do happen. Don't beat yourself up. Seriously, don't beat yourself up.
P.S. I responded to your comment about leaving out the "o" back on my blog. :)
Thanks, Robyn. I know how tremendously blessed I am - especially to have the new baby, Isaiah and Richard - my health, life, etc... its just ever since my co-worker said that, I have just felt plagued. Like everyone is looking at me like - ewwww, whats going on with her? That really discredits the life experience of other people - good people experience bad things. It is very narcissitic to think you are untouchable. I am fighting these feelings off with everything I have. I am sorry to hear about your Grandma and Uncle. Thanks so much for the words!
So powerful to read your account of your brother's death Tiara. Unfathomable. I am going to respond to your Moms of Hue post later too. You are a well of passion, truth, light, and one could argue your brother and your grandfather are also finding voice through you. You are recording their words in a way. I believe we are a lightning rod, the creatives, the writers, all of us recording what needs to be said.. Your words have so much power, always.
I saw this picture and my heart broke.
I will respond to this amazing open and heart-felt post when I have a little more time to "consider" my words. Very powerful thoughts you have expressed and I would like to throw in my two cents.
Thanks so much for your words, ladies. I really look forward to hearing your perspective, Dina.
The thing is, Tee, that every living thing will die. Our precious Tommy fortunately lived his life to the fullest the brief time God gave him to us. Grandad was 89 years old and certainly lived his life to the fullest. It was both their times to return to the beauty of God's promise of totality and eternal life. Some ignorant people at work are afraid - not of you or me - afraid of what they don't know. I got the same thing - how could her son die before his mother? What did she do? I did nothing except love my children more than my own life. So just tell yourself to forgive the people at work - they know not what they say and are living their lives in fear and ignorance.
This is what I've come to know, Tiara: Our human mind thrives on order, knowledge, reason and logic and if we can't fit whatever it is we are facing in one of those boxes, then we are left feeling, helpless, hopeless, uncertain and fearful.
I believe that God and His wisdom, His order, His knowledge, His reason and His logic simply cannot and will not be put into one of those boxes.
We try very hard, especially in the midst of grief, to come up solutions and answers to the thing which most grieves our hearts and minds and yet, we grasp blindly because no matter how hard we try, we are unable to find the answer that will make the most sense to us. You know what I mean?
There's really nothing anyone can say that can bring the type of healing or answers that you need to "justify" tragedy. There's simply no right or good answer.
But here's the deal: I believe that to truly trust God to give you whatever it is you need to comfort you in your pain and grief you must not try to reason out the "whys" but just give it up to God and tell him exactly how you feel and call upon Him to do the impossible --- which is to give you peace in the midst of your storm.
Proverbs 3:5 "Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding."
Many, many times it's been this verse that got me through.
Much Love.
Dina, I can't tell you how much your thoughtful post moved me. Your words spoke directly to my current frame of mind. This is the one thing in my life that I can find no explanation for. When I watched my brother slip away from my family, there was no bargaining to bring him back - there was no deal to be worked out, I just had to watch with no answer. Your comment made me consider whether I have been praying for the wrong thing. I have been waiting for some divine sign - like God will come down and reveal the exact reason why my brother died at 38, why our family is going through this - when in reality, I need peace. My family needs peace. I am going to send this to my mom, dad and brother. Again, thanks so much, Dina. I think God speaks through people sometimes and I really believe you delivered a message I really needed to hear.
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