"This above all: to thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare, Hamlet: Act I, Scene III

I realize, aside from my recent Weird Al Yankovich moment, I haven't written anything significant on this blog since 2009. It isn't for lack of inspiration. I think I have been lost in my own thoughts recently and I have had plenty of time to do so. Aside from nursing Isaiah back from a bad asthma attack last week, I have been in the deep throws of my first trimester of pregnancy.
UGH.

I have been non-stop nauseous, emotional, tired and... well, grumpy for the past week. I spent most of this weekend in bed watching Felicity episodes. I impulsively purchased the entire show on DVD before Christmas. I was having a nostalgic moment, remembering sitting in my dorm room hanging on every word with my friends - if you were a Felicity fan you remember the angst, the bad haircut, the Ben or Noel dilemma (I was Team Noel). Anyway, I made it to the middle of Season 3 by the end of the weekend. Occasionally, the spouse would come in, forcing me to eat and take vitamins and Isaiah would come in - say "Hi Mommy!" pretend to want to kiss and hug but really climb up on bed and jump on it in an effort to reach the ceiling fan before he was carted off by Daddy. At some point between napping and watching Felicity, it occurred to me just how much my life had changed from when I first watched these episodes. Right now, I am 28, married, mom to 1 and a half children, a lawyer, struggling writer and mourning the loss of my brother. Sometimes my life feels like it isn't my own - like its someone else and I am just watching.

Back then... well, geez, who was I then? I was half kid, half adult, feeling the exhilarating independence of college, feeling young and beautiful, madly in love with the idea of love, dating, partying, studying and a true believer that my future was endless and limitless. I was happy, immortal and down right arrogant. Now, here I am with some serious deep battle scars later and I wonder am I really that different? Some things about me I know have not changed - my sense of humor. My sense of humor hasn't really grown up... what I chose to say out loud has. For instance, I was watching the episode of Ni Hao Kai Lan with my son where Kai Lan's friend "Ho Ho" is very excited about getting a "Magic Stick". I just remember thinking - maybe I am not mature enough to be a parent... Or this morning, when my earring fell out and got lost in the deep abyss of my car - instead of taking off the other earring, I channelled my inner prince and sung a little bit of Sex Shooter in the car - reminded of the often one earring Apollonia in Purple Rain.

I am weird.
That never really changed.

I gloat when I beat my husband in Uno (4 out of 5 times last night!), blast ignorant music when my son isn't in the car, inevitably do the running man when old school hip hop is playing, find it hysterical to tackle my husband for the remote, get baby butterflies when I see LL Cool J without his shirt on, become super introspective and girly when I listen indie music and I get REALLY excited when something good happens in the my life or those of the people I love. My weirdness has completely manifested itself in my strange toddler who loves to lift his shirt and pretend he is a puppy so I can rub his tummy, tell me (yeah, ME) to stop being rude when I turn the station on his favorite cartoon, do the Isaiah dance to pretty much any Black Eyed Pea song, and read his favorite stories or sing his favorite songs in fast and slow motion.

Of course, in those ten years A.F. (After Felicity), I have grabbed a whole new set of traits and tastes but I guess my core has stayed the same. Don't get me wrong - life does its best to change you. Lets face it, often times it does. Personally, I know one thing about myself ten years ago - I was super naive, very sensitive and very free with my friendship, love and commitment. I wanted to believe in the good in every person and often let people stay in my life long after they had overstayed their welcome. I was a people pleaser and I still am - to a point, then I remember, I am not responsible for anyones happiness except mine and my babies. Also, from 2007 when I almost lost Isaiah, to 2009 when I lost my brother, to this year, when I found out a close family member has terminal Cancer, I have learned more than my share about mortality and the fleeting, ephemeral nature of life. Sometimes I want to lock myself in a room and SCREAM at the top of my lungs just to get this inarticuable, gut wrenching pain over losing my brother and the unfairness of having to say another goodbye out. I never felt that way ten years ago - when I was worried about falling in love, getting into law school or my parent's ability to see me as a grown-up. Life hadn't hit me yet. I think these tough realizations have made me have little patience for those people and things that distract me from the gift that is my life and those that I love.

Clearly, these are the nostalgic ramblings of a almost bitter pregnant lady who has gone through some tough times. I just thought I would pause to look back at old Tiara to see if she is still here. She is. Just a little wiser. Have you checked on your old self recently?