I did it!

I did it! Last Thursday, as promised, I read at my first Open Mic since college. I was an hour and a half late. Reason #1 - Hubby had to work late. I considered being upset but he had a legitimate excuse and since he tends to be my biggest cheerleader - I decided not to waste my energy. Reason #2, Isaiah! Because Hubby was late, I had to take Isaiah to get his immunizations. Isaiah threw THE WORST temper tantrum. I mean, "kick off your shoes, take off your jacket, throw yourself on the floor and WAIL" temper tantrum. The appointment was really close to dinner time so we had to eat and go. He, being the creature of habit he is, usually has play time then TV then story time so this break in his schedule made me and my doctor plans Public Enemy Number One. Of course, being the little social butterfly he is, the minute we actually got to the doctors appointment he was up and performing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, dancing and spelling "P-E-N, Pen" for anyone that would listen. His adorableness saves him because he can throw a temper tantrum in one moment and make my heart melt with a smile in the next. Anyway - the adorableness ended the minute the nurse gave him those two shots and the only remedy was my undivided attention for the rest of this evening.

SO - I say ALL of this to say - by the time, Richard had gotten home I had done NOTHING to prepare myself. I was A MESS. So, I had to run and change out of my lawyer attire, do something about my orderless-toddler-played-in hair and slip on something more "Tiara-like" and head to my future. I must say, I started off nervous but once the words started pouring out, I sort of lost myself. Everyone seemed to enjoy it and they said they could feel the protagonists "conflict" and that there was a "poetic flare" to my writing. The leader of the group - who is a former lawyer (amazing.. I know) said she didn't know how I did it with such a anti-creativity day job. She then went on and on about the horror of her former big DC law firm - blah blah - and how drained she felt every evening when she came home - blah blah. I nodded, in agreement. I understood... but to a point. I don't think I feel as miserable as she did being a lawyer. In fact, surprisingly, I like my new job. I am just convinced there are multiple things that can make me happy. I am truly satisfied professionally when I am immersed into a complex legal issue and I am tailoring arguments to support my position. Likewise, I am truly satisfied deep within my soul when I am in that zone, writing something that is just flowing out of me, I am not trying and the words are just multiplying beneath my pen. And of course, I am satisfied deep within my heart when I am with my son and he is laughing, pouting, asking me to give him twenty kisses or even screaming bloody murder.

I just keep thinking of that Souza quote - Happiness is the way, Happiness is the way... it just reminds me that I really do want to be happy and fulfilled for as many days as I can because life is often shorter than you want it to be - and it can so easily be filled with regret if you don't keep reminding yourself to:

1) Be happy.
2) Practice gratitude.
and 3) Strive for fulfillment and enlightenment.

I am not a poster girl for living these rules. I find myself getting caught up - way too often in regret, anger over things that happened in my past, anger at people for not being who I want them to be, anger at being misunderstood by people I want to understand me and sometimes envy for things others have that I want for myself or my family. I know I'm not alone in that. I think what my journey is about - why I am blogging, why I am writing again and why I suddenly became more concerned with what my career gave me rather than how much I gave it - is my desire be better. To live better.

Okay, Okay, stepping off my soap box. I was secretly hoping you wouldn't notice that I didn't assign myself anything last Thursday for this week. So, drummmrooollllllll....

My assignment this week is to complete another chapter in my novel and share it with someone I wouldn't normally read it to. If I am going to publish, I have to have an audience. My mom, siblings and husband only make five people... and Isaiah can't read yet. I have a friend in mind, hopefully, that person will be willing.

This song is currently inspiring me to write something disturbing (FYI this was one of the first songs I downloaded from Napster in 1999 when it was free and before it was illegal - this just shows how bizarre I really am):



In the words of Bernie Mac, "Goodnight, America."

Seduced by a Memory

That ever happened to you? Ever get seduced by a memory? All day, I was remembering dancing in Rock Creek Park in Washington, DC with my husband - then boyfriend - in law school. I think it was 2004 and it was our first Spring as a couple. We were inseperable and so eager to know each other. It seemed like in every second we crammed a minute and every minute we crammed an hour. That spring afternoon, he told me he had something to tell me. He pulled out his laptop and played More Than Words, by Extreme. First, I was super excited to find another twenty-something who shared my love of eighties soft rock (we still listen to Delilah some nights). Second, it was the first time I realized just how much you can say to someone without words. So, on that beautiful spring day, we had our first corny couple moment. You know those moments - chasing each other in the park, kissing in the rain, walking barefoot on the beach. I remember there was a family picnicing in the distance and how the tighter his arms grew around me the further away they seemed. It was like suddenly we were the stars, the key players, and the life happening around us was just the soundtrack. I can still remember that far away sound of the laptop stereo, the spring chill in the air and I am positive if I close my eyes and try really hard, I can smell the dewey floral scent of spring.

That time, that moment, that weather... seems so far away tonight. Yet, the feeling is so embedded in my memory. We were SO young, I guess we still are, but we were REALLY young. Sometimes I can't believe that all this, our grown-up lives, especially Isaiah came from that. Anyway, that memory reminded me of another soft eighties song - Holding Back The Years by Simply Red. Check out the video below. I am wishing you, if there is actually a you out there, a hefty dose of nostalgia on this Wednesday night. I am hoping it will provide me with a little inspiration to complete this piece by tomorrow night.

Thirsty Thursday

To hold myself accountable to my lofty goals and cure my writing drought (but mostly because I am too poor to afford a fancy writing workshop right now). I am going to assign myself one task each Thursday to be completed by the following Friday.

So, my first quencher, I must write a complete work, poem or short-short story, and read it at my local writer's association's open mic, next Thursday, October 15. For the record, my heart is pounding in my throat right now and that's just from writing about writing. Lets just hope I don't completely drop dead come next Thursday.

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of it.
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of it.
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of it.

Thanks, Mr. Twain.

The Successful Lawyer from Sante Fe

"... you have to see the world differently. You've entered a different path. You can't just leap into the lake of writing in a three-piece suit. You need a different outfit to swim in."

So says, Natalie Goldberg, author of Wild Mind: Living the Writer's Life, to the successful lawyer from Sante Fe who foolishly attempted to write when he had written nothing but law briefs for years. So, what say she to the successful lawyer from New York?

Okay, I need to stop speaking like that.

I spent the past few lunch breaks in Barnes and Noble searching and searching for the perfect books to start my journey.

Nothing.

I decided to rely on good old google and I came across a website gushing about this book Wild Mind. Truth be told, I was sold by the title. The life of a lawyer is so structured - aside from tailoring creative search terms in a legal search engine and the ever-artful, acceptably-deceitful argument - there isn't much true creativity involved in lawyering. I know, lawyers - it's arguable. But I am talking about the part of creativity that can only happen through crea-tion. When you absorb the world around and give birth to something beautiful. A good lawyer masters the art of recycling and reinvention. We recycle old law, we reinvent it to fit our needs... in short, you work with what you are given. After being trained to "not look outside the facts", to "be concise" and "get to the issue" for the past six years, Natalie is right - I need to see the world differently. This is why I was so seduced by the title. How I truly long for the day my mind can be free again. So, I purchased another book:

I need to read, read, read... not just CNN.com, facebook, briefs and memos but fiction. Lots of it. So why not start with "The Greats"? I also need to go on some sort of pop culture/reality show fast. I watch hours of reality tv a week.

Hmm. Maybe quitting cold turkey is not the answer. Okay, I am freaking out... diet, diet... pop culture diet, not fast.

See, the last time I was consumed by writing, I was also consumed by Faulkner, Shakespeare, Hemingway, Morrison. I also took the time to read everything by my favorite poet, Ms. Sonia Sanchez (who I met during my first year of law school when my creative brain was so inactive, all I could think to say was, "Oh my god, I love you" - maybe I was just star struck). I was an English major and I took every chance I could to write, including doing a year long independent study just writing poetry. I was also young, unmarried and very naive. I just finished my four year sentence in a catholic all girl school, was completely infatuated with the bad boy from the "wrong side of the tracks" and suddenly drowning in the nothingness of upstate New York. It was either go completely nuts or get lost in my "Wild Mind".. I got lost. Well, I want to get lost again! But first, I suppose, I need to remove my suit. What will I be wearing for my first swim, you ask? A scandalous little red bikini... with a concealing black cover up. Hey! It's been awhile, I need to start slow.