Cold

One of the hardest things I did following my brother's passing was go with my Dad and brother to pick up his Mustang from the police station. We all broke down. My brother's Mustang was such a big part of him. He took a great deal of pride in cleaning it and driving it around New York. Seeing it without him in it, getting in without him freaking out that I was touching it felt unreal. After a couple of days of sitting in my mothers drive way without his TLC, this past Saturday, I took the car to get washed and waxed. On the way there, I decided to hit eject and see if there was a CD inside his CD player. Of course, being the musical guy he was, there was a burned CD in the player.
The CD was phenomenal.
I thought leave it to my brother to leave such poetry playing in his cd player. It felt like a love letter or just a soundtrack for remembering him. It had some Michael Jackson, Prince, George Michael, Bee Jees, Mariah Carey, Barry White, Janet Jackson, James Brown - just as eclectic as I would have expected from my brother. And it wasn't necessarily big hits - it was B-side songs. You know, those songs that play on the Album that you are glad aren't ever released as singles? Those songs that you feel so deeply that they must have been created to the rhythm of your heartbeat. He even had this song by Jayson Belt called "Just You and Me" which I like to call the Sam and Jason song. Sam and Jason are these two characters on General Hospital - yes, my brother and I both watched the show. Anyway, every time they show Sam and Jason being intimate - they play the song. When I heard it at Number 10 on the CD it brought tears to my eyes. I thought - "Tommy, you are such loser." And then I thought - I love this song too. I laughed and cried and then hit the accelerator and took off the way he would. So fast, it made my heart skip a beat.

Anyway - as I am driving this Annie Lenox song comes on that I had never heard. I have since discovered it is called "Cold". It was beautiful, mournful, soulful - just what you'd expect from Ms. Lenox. It had this line - "Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to death." Through my tears, with the open road expanding before me (as open as it can be on the Belt Parkway through Queens), I suddenly envied my brother. I thought - he would never feel this pain. He would never cry these tears. He would never have to say goodbye to someone he loved because he was the first to go.
Understand me now -
I am thankful for my life. It's just, for so long my family and I have been untouched by death and tragedy. We had each other and our love is great. We are close. We talk everyday either to each other or through each other. Never did I think the last time I saw my brother that it would actually be our last time together. His death was shocking - so much so that it felt purposeful and deliberate. It was clearly God's plan. But, I thought, as the first to go, he never had to mourn us, he isn't afraid anymore, he, and I can confidently say this, is with GOD and thus, with us. I cry tears for so many things these past few weeks -for myself, him, for the loss, for my mom, my dad, my older brother, Marc, my son and nephew who will never know their uncle. - Sometimes, I cry just because I want to sit with him and watch him eat a Klondike bar or drink a cup of grape kool-aid like when we were kids (Or suck a kool-aid ice cube he used to make and infuriate my mom lol). Sometimes I can taste the bitter sweet taste of the hot dogs and beans he would almost ALWAYS make me as a lunch when he was baby sitting. (Marc - you were the cheese sandwiches remember?). I can still picture him bringing me milk when I woke up from a nightmare. I miss him so much that I can't swallow sometimes. I looked forward to what our relationship would be as real grown ups (cause lets face it - in your twenties and even thirties, you sometimes still feel like a kid). Anyway, the song touched me - cause I thought - living with out him is the hardest thing to face... so hard to face. And in death, he most certainly doesn't feel this pain. So - here is Annie Lenox singing her song - I realize that some people read from fbook and won't get this link - if you can visit the original post (www.thencameisaiah.com).