I am born.

To think, for almost two years I have been fighting the urge not to turn this blog pink and the moment I get the chance I choose these pukey yellows and oranges. I think I am inspired by the sunflower on my table that is currently nudging my laptop. Or the pumpkin staring at me from the kitchen.. or maybe because its the dawn of fall or maybe because its midnight and I am drunk off sleepiness... and a little wine... who knows? It may change.

Well, first, let me elaborate on what exactly is going on here. I am having a late twenties crisis. I am 28 years old, married to my best friend and mother to a beautiful son, in a sickeningly stable new job with the government and scared out of my mind. My big brother, twelve years my senior and a survivor of both his twenties and thirties diagnosed me as having "Oh crap, what if this is my life?" syndrome. In other words, every other time in my life has been about a journey - you know, got to get through high school, got to get through college, got to get through law school, got to get through pregnancy, got to get to my first job and no real plan in place for what happens when you actually arrive? Not that I have arrived, truth be told, I didn't anticipate being 28, married, with a son and in a sickeningly stable job. I thought I'd be a rich spinster who just might settle down sometime in my late thirties. Here I am, a woman who finds true joy in surprising her husband with homemade chicken wings, baking for her son and lying in the park on a sunny day. Alas - life never turns out quite how you expected.

Well, back to my crisis, I am happy. There are moments I spend with the spouse and the pickle that I wish I could bottle up and live again and again. My love of those two feeds my soul. Unfortunately, because we have yet to hit it rich, I still spend a minimum of 8 hours a day absent of their company. Therein lies my syndrome.

"Oh crap, what if this is my life?"

So, after months of grappling with solutions -- which ranged from seriously suggesting to my husband that we move to Key West, make candles for a living and raise Isaiah to be a free spirit - to - considering quiting my job, volunteering somewhere and reevaluating my life (in this economy) -- you know, your good old fashioned crazy talk. Then, a miracle happened. My new job has a six week training period. For whatever reason, they decided to start me and five other people before our actual training class began. What does that mean? For two weeks, I had absolutely NOTHING to do. That's right folks, I sat at cubicle with a computer screen, no Internet and... well, nothing to do. So after a few days of complaining, my husband, in a firm but resolved voice said: "Baby, why don't you just write?" Well, in light of my then-pity party-state, I outwardly rejected his suggestion but took a notebook with me to work the next day. And, I will tell you my friend, write I did and did I write. It felt like someone shook me awake. Like something deep in my soul had awoken from a long hibernation. I decided, I will write a novel to completion by the end of 2010. I am not concerned with whether it is good, or even if I am published. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now, I am more concerned with inspiration, discovering whose voice it is that it fighting it way out of my soul and get it out. I thought, why not blog about it? There are countless books about this right? Self help guides - Living the writer life, writer mama, write dammit write... okay I made that last one up. Point is, there are so many struggling writers. Why not vent about my struggle in public?

So, to be sure, like any good lawyer, I am going to list the reasons why I should write, I mean, pursue it professionally, part-time... ehh. Why I should put myself out there and actually articulate a goal, intentions to pursue it and express my desire to succeed for all to judge, root for and root against... here it goes:

Top Five Reasons To Write

5) The Sky on Sunday.

This weekend the fam and I met up with some friends and attended the Baltimore Book Festival. On the way, the sky was filled with billowing clouds. You know, the sort that make you want to grow wings and fly with the birds. Hmmm. More like, the kind that make you understand why you thought heaven was in the sky as a kid. You must understand, I grew up in New York, most of my life, I didn't notice the sky. Now, I live in this rural town with more parks than buildings and all I can think about when I am driving around is how much I wish I could grow wings and fly up to one of those big fluffy clouds and take a nap with my son. That makes me want to dream, all day, all night and then write until my hand is sore.

4) The Garden State Soundtrack

Hands down, the best album I have ever purchased. I don't even know what genre it is but personally, that music draws me into this zone. It is the beat to my art's sweet, nasty, tireless, wanted conception. I owe it to that and all great music to let go.

3) The past has to provide more than the "because" for the "why's" in my life.

Yea, Yea, I know, without my past, I wouldn't be who I am. If I didn't make mistakes, I would have have never learned. Put it on a mug. My past is a literary playground and the characters are yearning to be written and rewritten and erased and just all around toyed with by my imagination.

2.5) I can stop manically updating my facebook status.

It's like flash non-fiction on a forced audience. I need to take back my thoughts, harness that energy and focus it.

2) Joy.

When I am dead dog tired, worked all day, cooked a big meal, my hubby is snoring, my 2 year old, hyper child took two hours more than usual to fall asleep and I are pretty sure I am feeling the beginnings of a migraine and yet - I still want to stay up to write, I am pretty sure it is what I am supposed to be doing with my life. That is joy and that is why.

1) Dem:

Self explanatory. I want to be happy with them for the rest of my life (so I'll never make a pretty woman my wife... hehe). Which means, I need to be happy with me. I owe to them to not add any regret to my life...

I was going to write a list of reasons not to write but all I could think of was raw chicken. I'll explain some other time - but its not enough to defeat my reasons to write. Awesome. Stay tuned.